The 7 Year Struggle

The following blog was written for and is owned by Pure Desire Ministries  

"I love you"

Those words have become a source of contention for me.

I mean, by the account of both marriages, loving me never meant being committed to me.

"I know you love me. You've always loved me. "What are you wanting to communicate right now, when you tell me that you love me?"

It's mid-morning on a Saturday and this is what marriage recovery looks like for us. Lately, we have been having this ebb and flow in our daily routine and communication. Today was no exception. 

Neither one of us are fully loving this new dance pattern what we have created. Our day can being sailing along with a flowing rhythm of conversation and laughter and connection; a routine that I so very longed for at the beginning of our healing process. Then in a slowing shifting moment, that we can literally see in the other's eyes, we start to engage in a vulnerable conversation that requires the willingness to listen deeply, without judgment, defensiveness and self protection. 

We enter in, with both trepidation and assurance of what this engagement will bring. It can best be described as terrifying AND beautiful. We have an awareness that we are about to trigger each other. And yet, he comes and sits by my side, locks eyes with me; I see his commitment to engage. However, it doesn't make the conversation any easier.

In today's conversation I discovered that the wounds from 7 years ago are still there. The narrator in my head that started then, still whispers to me. 

Today I faced a really harsh reality. I. don't. think. I. will. ever. trust. again. I became aware that I still have an intense hyperawareness of everything he does. I really hate to admit this. A lot. Like, if I don't say it our loud, maybe it won't be so true. It revels my brokenness, it tarnishes my public persona of having overcome the betrayal. 

But friends. I haven't.

I haven't.

I haven't overcome the betrayal.

You guys. My husband is wonderful. He is committed; dedicated; brave; his soul is beautiful; his hard work towards his healing is admirable;  I absolutely can not imagine being married to a better human being. 

Yet here I am. Admittedly threatened by very thing I wanted; Transparency and new behaviors. 

But if I have learned one thing, it's that healing is not a place of arrival, there fore can not be used as past tense, this side of heaven. Healing is the continued refining of the old, so that the new can take root. Maybe then, overcoming is the same. Maybe the goal isn't to attach my growth to a standard that only heaven can reach.  

When I stop aiming to end my words in "ed" and start applying "ing", I give myself room for Jesus to enter and engage me in a process that was meant to be on going.

I am heal-ing

I am overcom-ing

He pulled me close into his arms and said, "I want my, I love you, to communicate to you that I am here."

The seven year struggle is real. But so is the connection we have fought hard to obtain. It's year seven and we haven't arriv-ed. We are still arriv-ing. Trust-ing, heal-ing, overcom-ing.....together.

- Jenn Howie