Friends: 1 / Inner Critic: 0
I was asked to give feed back on a recent video series we recorded.
Due to an extensive theater background, I am pretty good at giving unbiased feedback on things like these. I have a bit of a critical eye with attention to detail, which has made me good director, but when it came to seeing my own face onscreen, all objectivity went out the window and my emotionally insulting, inner critic took over.
When I saw myself, I vacillated between asking how I allowed myself to put on that much weight, to blaming the camera angle, which to me, resembled the experience you have when you turn on your cell phone camera, only to discover that it's facing you, not your subject, and for a moment you question how in the world you were ever able to land a husband.
I suddenly lost sight of my assignment and became laser focused on the sheer girth of my double chin. It moved and contorted enough that I wondered if IT was talking, or if I was? I had to watch that section of the video a few times before I could refocus and regain the objective.
I realized that my inner critic had been unleashed. But, I still struggled with embarrassment for my husband, who by the way, looked absolutely stunning on film. I thought, "Poor good looking guy, stuck with a girl like that."
Enter the following text conversation between me and two friends. Melissa, the Licensed Professional Counselor and Christina, the Speech and Language Pathologist.
Me: *warning shallow thoughts coming your way
Me: Watching the first edit of the new video series. REALLLLLY struggling with my weight. My chin is ginormous. He's so thin and handsome and I feel embarrassed that his wife looks like that. And to think, I've put on 10 lb since then.
Christina: I'm so sorry friend. I want to rush and tell you that you're one of the most beautiful women I know and I'm shocked that you would be friends with someone like me. But that's not really the issue. Feeling crappy about yourself is the worst and it's so hard to believe others when they give compliments. I struggle with it all the time and I don't know what to say except that you ARE beautiful and Dan is lucky to have such a knockout. AND looks are not the reason he loves you. Or the reason Jesus loves you. Or the reason I love you. Or what makes you such a VALUABLE AND AMAZING person.
Melissa: (The Licensed Professional Counselor): Perspective is everything, when you zoom it in, it looks like you guys are about to get it on!!!
(At this point my whole countenance is shifting and I am laughing)
Christina (The Speech and Language Pathologist): Also, when you are saying words with the /r/ sound, that's what a tongue looks like in a thin neck. Obviously you were saying the word "aRmoR-beaReR"
Melissa: Jenn was all, like, "Come get me, you armor-bearer!"
(I am officially dead at this point)
Me: Oh my gosh, my heart is so lifted. I will never see these videos without remembering this conversation.
And just like that, I was able to regain perspective.
I hope you have people in your life who take down your inner critic with love and humor, in a way that gives you a new way of seeing things. While nothing will change the reality of my anatomy on this project, there is a whole other realism that is rooted in genuine authenticity.
The reality is, no one gives two chalupas about my double chin; At least those that matter. And despite my survival lie, no one finds value in my looks. I get mad at myself for falling for such deceit; For being distracted and taken down with superficial worth.
The reality is, the things I say and do matter. How I make others feel matters. How I approach someone's brokenness matters.
Thank you Melissa, Christina and the rest of my inner circle, for speaking truth and love into my life and helping me get back to what matters.
As iron sharpens iron,
so a friend sharpens a friend - Proverbs 27:17
One last time....in cased you missed it…
