A Side Of Fries Please

My first memory of jealousy is around the age of five. 

What was I jealous of?

McDonald's french fries.

I was at a neighbors house and my friend's mom brought her a happy meal. I sat as she ate her meal, and oh man, did I want those fries! I was green with envy.  To my delight, she was told to share with me. She reluctantly gave me a couple. I mean, who could blame her?  I kept reaching for those small, crispy, golden strings of perfection, one at a time, until horrified, I discovered I had ate them all!  I ran home in a panic when she discovered what I had done and I began to cry. I was mortified, embarrassed, and I wanted to hide. I felt exposed. 

FFW:

Today, I am jealous. 

What am I jealous of?

My old self.

I am envious of the old me that exuded joy and was fun. The old me, who's false beliefs were so deeply hidden, she could live with naivety; Oblivious to what drove her to ALWAYS. BE. HAPPY. It wasn't joy that preceded her smile and enthusiasm. It was pain, masked to protect her from what she hoped would never come to her conscious mind.

Today I am conscious. I am totally aware of the false beliefs and lies, that drive my behavior. I absolutely can not wear the mask that everyone loved, encouraged, edified, and defined my value.

Crap. Now what? 

Grace. Grace for the moment. The struggle, belongs. Evolving out of a false identity is an uncomfortable process. It requires me to set aside my mask of optimism and embrace a spectrum of emotions that I have never valued experiencing . If it's not happy, I don't want to feel it!

This conversion is difficult, but it is simple in its approach.  It starts with a willingness to peak behind the mask and feel the thing I am avoiding. That's it, just a willingness. The rest will come.

A truer, deeper, and authentic joy is mine to have and it's migrating it's way to the surface. 

So, for now, I will voluntarily stand, exposed with an empty paper sleeve of french fries, not listening the voices of shame that tell me to hide behind my mask of joy.  

But don't ask me to give up my french fries just yet. One thing at a time, people! One thing at a time.

* Full disclosure: I went to McDonalds after this post and ate fries.